I spent 6 months waiting for June so I could take a road trip with my son and he called me tonight and cancels. Good reason? Yes, his reasons made sense to me, classes, job and so forth. But my sense of loss at not getting to see him is real. You may not understand, but he and I were real close during his growing up years. Now he's 3,200 miles away making his mark and I am out of the loop. This in a year when I lose a dear friend John, and my job ends which means more losses. So the subject of "loss" is on my mind.
I don't remember where I heard it but it went like this: life is about loss, either you deal with it or you go under. Life is about loss doesn't sound threatening. But when you come face to face with loss you understand what it means.
I've had many losses in my life: brother (died) sister (died), parents (died), best friend in elementary school (killed) other friends moved because of job opportunities, marriage went under, you name it. I know am not alone, about losses. I know your catalog of losses might easily make mine look like not much. Still I'm screaming at the universe "I'm tired of having losses"! The universe looks back dispassionately and says, "so what"?
Be philosophical? Understand inevitability? Every door closed is another door open? It's God's plan? What goes around comes around? "All things are as they should be" "It's life" I get all those sayings, I understand what they mean. Still, I am tired of losses piling up for me.
Every time I have a loss it's like a knife cutting out a piece of my heart and I'm truly wounded a long time. So I don't need more philosophy and I don't need a religion lesson. What I need to know is how I do I stop hurting over this loss, and the next one and the next one after that?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
"What's Going on Here"
I've been down the last few days. However, today was my turn to feel bad for others way worse off than me. I went to the grocery store and coming out of the parking lot I saw a very senior man (75?) in a wheelchair holding a sign that said, "recovering from a stroke and penniless". This wasn't one of those people where you wonder if they are really destitute or just don't want to work. This guy was a different story altogether and I was shocked seeing him sitting there in wheelchair holding a sign asking for money. He looked very sad.
Then about an hour later on the other side of the street, when I was headed to my car parked in a big lot, a young man (turned out to be 23 yrs. old but looked 19) approached me and was clearly distressed. He wanted to know if I had any work for him to do. He would mow lawns, pull weeds anything. He said he didn't want to just ask for money, he said he wanted to earn it. I had no work for him to do really and no cash on me but my friend gave him ten dollars. He showed me his SDSU student ID card I guess as a way of proving he wasn't a bum. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me later if he had no place to stay. I would put him up for a few days. He seemed legit to me. He never called.
Both of these things were right out of Grapes of Wrath, so heart wrenching. It feels like 1931 all over again. I know the economy has been in the dumper for 2+ years now but things are getting worse and worse. No jobs, and people being displaced left and right. I know I teared up and so did my friend. I was still shook up hours later. "What the hell is going on here"?
What is going on in this country when people like this college student can't find a job and old people must beg for money from a wheelchair? How can our country have come to this? Have we learned nothing from our own history. The excesses of the 1920's and the irresponsibility of the financial sector in the twenties gave us the depression. We are living it out all over again only instead of it being stock market foolishness we have a toxic housing industry. This is right out of a Charles Dickens novel about a greed filled wealthy class exploiting the lower classes and getting away with it. This must stop not only in this go round but in the future. Steps have to be taken to see to it that this doesn't happen again. This isn't what the founders of this nation envisioned or wanted.
Then about an hour later on the other side of the street, when I was headed to my car parked in a big lot, a young man (turned out to be 23 yrs. old but looked 19) approached me and was clearly distressed. He wanted to know if I had any work for him to do. He would mow lawns, pull weeds anything. He said he didn't want to just ask for money, he said he wanted to earn it. I had no work for him to do really and no cash on me but my friend gave him ten dollars. He showed me his SDSU student ID card I guess as a way of proving he wasn't a bum. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me later if he had no place to stay. I would put him up for a few days. He seemed legit to me. He never called.
Both of these things were right out of Grapes of Wrath, so heart wrenching. It feels like 1931 all over again. I know the economy has been in the dumper for 2+ years now but things are getting worse and worse. No jobs, and people being displaced left and right. I know I teared up and so did my friend. I was still shook up hours later. "What the hell is going on here"?
What is going on in this country when people like this college student can't find a job and old people must beg for money from a wheelchair? How can our country have come to this? Have we learned nothing from our own history. The excesses of the 1920's and the irresponsibility of the financial sector in the twenties gave us the depression. We are living it out all over again only instead of it being stock market foolishness we have a toxic housing industry. This is right out of a Charles Dickens novel about a greed filled wealthy class exploiting the lower classes and getting away with it. This must stop not only in this go round but in the future. Steps have to be taken to see to it that this doesn't happen again. This isn't what the founders of this nation envisioned or wanted.
Monday, May 17, 2010
"Criminal Contempt"
This has to do with the bizarre, macabre, ritual of allowing family members to scream at criminals during the criminal's sentencing. Specifically, the murderer John Gardner was sentenced to a life plus 500 years without parole or pardon last week in a San Diego court. Putting this guy away for the rest of his life is appropriate because he admitted to kidnapping and murdering two teen aged girls. Plus, he agreed to the sentence to avoid the death penalty. Sidebar: I do have an issue with the silly over sentencing just for dramatic effect. Isn't a life sentence without parole enough? Must the judge add 5oo years to the life sentence? It's as if we need to make sure that if Gardner comes back from the dead he will be incarcerated 4 more lifetimes. I think it's just weird. Why not just sentence them to imprisonment for eternity. That is by itself ridiculous but it does cover all paranormal possibilities.
I do realize the sentence overkill is for the benefit of the grieving families. It's designed to let the families know just how "pissed off" the court (i.e. society) really is at this person. It's akin to shooting him dead and then pumping in 8 more aggravation rounds.
However I digress. What I want to write about the most is the process of allowing family members to come into court and scream at the prisoner, cry, gnash their teeth and declare that if they had a gun they would shoot him and then plug him/her 8 more times for aggravation. This happens before the judge sentences the criminal even though in most cases the criminal already knows what the sentence is likely to be. I understand the therapeutic value of venting anger and grief. However, it becomes a public spectacle that serves no lasting purpose. Let me make this analogy, a kid does something wrong and the parents before imposing consequences sits the kid down and rails against them for a period of time. Is that for the kid's benefit? Do you think that kid is listening and that a well spring of remorse is building up? No they sit, as John Gardner did with their head lowered and a sober expression on their face ignoring everything being said to them. You might as well yell at your cat for thirty minutes for scratching at the couch.
If John Gardner or others like him were the type to be moved by family members coming unhinged at him; he probably wouldn't have murdered the two girls. Tell Hannibal Lecter he shouldn't eat his victims and he will look at you like you are the second course.
Consider doing it this way: Let the family members meet privately with the criminal. The criminal is in a room where they can see and hear the family and the family members get one last time to say whatever they want. But doing it in in front of camera crews, newspaper reporters, the court and spectators is a lot more creepy than it is productive..
Look Gardner did the crimes, and he agreed to be sent away. So let the families tell him privately how they feel, then the judge can sign the paper and away he goes. Can't we be less melodramatic in the way we deal with the uncivilized among us?
I do realize the sentence overkill is for the benefit of the grieving families. It's designed to let the families know just how "pissed off" the court (i.e. society) really is at this person. It's akin to shooting him dead and then pumping in 8 more aggravation rounds.
However I digress. What I want to write about the most is the process of allowing family members to come into court and scream at the prisoner, cry, gnash their teeth and declare that if they had a gun they would shoot him and then plug him/her 8 more times for aggravation. This happens before the judge sentences the criminal even though in most cases the criminal already knows what the sentence is likely to be. I understand the therapeutic value of venting anger and grief. However, it becomes a public spectacle that serves no lasting purpose. Let me make this analogy, a kid does something wrong and the parents before imposing consequences sits the kid down and rails against them for a period of time. Is that for the kid's benefit? Do you think that kid is listening and that a well spring of remorse is building up? No they sit, as John Gardner did with their head lowered and a sober expression on their face ignoring everything being said to them. You might as well yell at your cat for thirty minutes for scratching at the couch.
If John Gardner or others like him were the type to be moved by family members coming unhinged at him; he probably wouldn't have murdered the two girls. Tell Hannibal Lecter he shouldn't eat his victims and he will look at you like you are the second course.
Consider doing it this way: Let the family members meet privately with the criminal. The criminal is in a room where they can see and hear the family and the family members get one last time to say whatever they want. But doing it in in front of camera crews, newspaper reporters, the court and spectators is a lot more creepy than it is productive..
Look Gardner did the crimes, and he agreed to be sent away. So let the families tell him privately how they feel, then the judge can sign the paper and away he goes. Can't we be less melodramatic in the way we deal with the uncivilized among us?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"Relationship Not a Merger"
I state it upfront I don't have much of a clue about relationships. I wish I did. My life probably would have been so much easier and maybe even happier. Nevertheless, I see how strange relationship forming is today. It used to be that you met someone, went out and decided on a date or two if you liked each other. If you did you kept going out as a couple most likely. It didn't take negotiations, background checks, therapy reports, std reports, getting input from friends, a family gathering to discuss the new prospect, and everyone signing off on the new acquisition. Trying to be a boyfriend, or a girlfriend is like going through an acquisitions & merger process.
It used to be on a first date that you just had fun and didn't get into anything too serious. You would probably wait for the person you were dating to volunteer some information about themselves. Most likely as part of whatever you were doing. If you were at the movies you might talk about favorite movies. Not today, today every date is an audition and you had better be prepared to give your financials, fully disclose past relationships tell what your relationship to your family is, what kind of person you want to be with, and any "red flags" like AA or the fact that you have been or are in therapy.
Try saying this on a date in today's dating world: I don't want to talk that much about me; I just want to have a good time. Years ago she would have thought you the strong, silent, Gary Cooper type. Today she thinks you are in the witness protection program.
I once went on a date with a girl named Beverly Silver and while heading to the beach on the first date she wanted to know my complete financial status. I thought it was in very poor taste and laughed about it later with friends. Today, I wouldn't even blink an eye if a woman asked me that on a first date. My point is why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't we just meet , get to know each other slowly over time and have fun? It shouldn't be my people interfacing with your people!
It used to be on a first date that you just had fun and didn't get into anything too serious. You would probably wait for the person you were dating to volunteer some information about themselves. Most likely as part of whatever you were doing. If you were at the movies you might talk about favorite movies. Not today, today every date is an audition and you had better be prepared to give your financials, fully disclose past relationships tell what your relationship to your family is, what kind of person you want to be with, and any "red flags" like AA or the fact that you have been or are in therapy.
Try saying this on a date in today's dating world: I don't want to talk that much about me; I just want to have a good time. Years ago she would have thought you the strong, silent, Gary Cooper type. Today she thinks you are in the witness protection program.
I once went on a date with a girl named Beverly Silver and while heading to the beach on the first date she wanted to know my complete financial status. I thought it was in very poor taste and laughed about it later with friends. Today, I wouldn't even blink an eye if a woman asked me that on a first date. My point is why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't we just meet , get to know each other slowly over time and have fun? It shouldn't be my people interfacing with your people!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"Whittled Down"
I had the pleasure and privilege of going to the annual Pacific Coast League Reunion Luncheon in Carson, Ca. with my friend Irv Noren today. I have gone to this event before with Irv. In case you don't know who Irv Noren is: he played baseball in the old Pacific Coast League from 1947-49. He was the Player of the Year in 1949 when he hit 29 homers, batted .335 and drove in 135 runs. If you don't know baseball statistics those are great numbers.
He was promoted to the major league's Washington Senators in 1950 and proceeded to be named Rookie of the Year. A year later he was traded to the powerhouse New York Yankees (for 6 other players)! He played on those great Yankee teams that went on to win World Series after World Series. He was in the game in left field when Jackie Robinson stole home; he was in the dugout when Don Larson pitched the only perfect game ever in the World Series and later in his career he was roommates with the great Stan Musial in St. Louis. Irv has 6 World Series rings. He was one hell of a baseball player.
This annual luncheon brings together all the old players from the great PCL teams like: the Los Angeles Angels, Hollywood Stars, San Diego Padres, San Francisco Seals and the Seattle Rainiers etc. Irv is 85 years old now, yet he is one of the younger guys left.
I love hearing the old stories about the PCL greats like Joe Dimaggio, Dom Dimaggio, Lefty O'Doul and also the regular players. IT's always a great day for me BUT I share with you a kind of sad moment too. I saw all these former professional athletes struggling to get around, having to use walkers, wheelchairs, canes and many had poor vision, bad hearing, well you get the idea. I watched them closely and could see in their aged bodies the handsome young men that they had once been.
They don't want to be older, resent having to ask for help, and despite their poking fun at their old pictures they are proud of what they accomplished. My point is in their day they could run with the wind, play baseball 7 hours a day, and do things in sports few can. But it's gone now! The list of those that had passed away just in the last year was too long and each name elicited a wince, a sigh, and a nod of the head. All too soon these remaining great PCL players won't be here either.
Old age doesn't take us in the night, it doesn't jump us in an alley and beat us down. It's more insidious because it whittles us down one age spot on the skin at a time, one aching joint, one hearing loss notch at a time. We get whittled down, whittled down and before any of us are ever ready, nature makes it's final cut.
I wanted to grant these guys one more weekend in the sun, one more home run, strike out, stolen base and for them to hear the cheering crowds one more time. I wanted them to be young again for one last 3 game series! But I knew I couldn't. I respect and admire these guys for the athletes they were, for the good lives they led after baseball and most of all for not giving in to the whittling down. They refuse to go quickly or easily. They are fierce competitors right to their last at bat. A great lesson for me and for us all.
He was promoted to the major league's Washington Senators in 1950 and proceeded to be named Rookie of the Year. A year later he was traded to the powerhouse New York Yankees (for 6 other players)! He played on those great Yankee teams that went on to win World Series after World Series. He was in the game in left field when Jackie Robinson stole home; he was in the dugout when Don Larson pitched the only perfect game ever in the World Series and later in his career he was roommates with the great Stan Musial in St. Louis. Irv has 6 World Series rings. He was one hell of a baseball player.
This annual luncheon brings together all the old players from the great PCL teams like: the Los Angeles Angels, Hollywood Stars, San Diego Padres, San Francisco Seals and the Seattle Rainiers etc. Irv is 85 years old now, yet he is one of the younger guys left.
I love hearing the old stories about the PCL greats like Joe Dimaggio, Dom Dimaggio, Lefty O'Doul and also the regular players. IT's always a great day for me BUT I share with you a kind of sad moment too. I saw all these former professional athletes struggling to get around, having to use walkers, wheelchairs, canes and many had poor vision, bad hearing, well you get the idea. I watched them closely and could see in their aged bodies the handsome young men that they had once been.
They don't want to be older, resent having to ask for help, and despite their poking fun at their old pictures they are proud of what they accomplished. My point is in their day they could run with the wind, play baseball 7 hours a day, and do things in sports few can. But it's gone now! The list of those that had passed away just in the last year was too long and each name elicited a wince, a sigh, and a nod of the head. All too soon these remaining great PCL players won't be here either.
Old age doesn't take us in the night, it doesn't jump us in an alley and beat us down. It's more insidious because it whittles us down one age spot on the skin at a time, one aching joint, one hearing loss notch at a time. We get whittled down, whittled down and before any of us are ever ready, nature makes it's final cut.
I wanted to grant these guys one more weekend in the sun, one more home run, strike out, stolen base and for them to hear the cheering crowds one more time. I wanted them to be young again for one last 3 game series! But I knew I couldn't. I respect and admire these guys for the athletes they were, for the good lives they led after baseball and most of all for not giving in to the whittling down. They refuse to go quickly or easily. They are fierce competitors right to their last at bat. A great lesson for me and for us all.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"What's Fair"?
So one of my students (high school junior) sidles up to my desk after school yesterday and hands me her Great Gatsby packet of work. I kindly tell her the work was due 2 weeks ago. She immediately went into her well rehearsed act. "Aw c'mon Mr. B you can just take it and give me whatever points you think is fair"! Translation: give me as many points as my cute face, cute figure, and flirtatious personality can squeeze out of you. So, I said more firmly, "you remember two weeks ago when I told the class that Friday was the last day to turn in any Gatsby work"? "Well, Chiffon it was that Friday was the last day"! Stunned she blurted out, "that's not fair, I did the work, I just forgot to turn it in. That's NOT fair"! Then she ran out of the room in tears. Her drama queen moment got me to thinking what is fair? I realize it was a shock and heartbreaking for Chiffon to not get what she wanted, but was it unfair?
Here's what I think is unfair:
1.I think people losing their homes over an economic collapse not of their doing is unfair.
2. I think an earthquake hitting the one country in North America that could least afford to get hit (Haiti) was unfair.
3. I think some people dying with the bird flu while many others only had mild flu symptoms is unfair.
4. I think all kids picked off by murderers and abused by parents, coaches or guardians...that's unfair.
5. I think all the hard working, honest, clean, kind, friendly, caring young people that can't afford to go to college, live in a nice place, or eat a good meal tonight while over privileged, self indulgent ego freaks like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Amy Winehouse waste money, talent and everybodies time... that's unfair.
6. I think the poor bastards buried under the soot and ash at Pompeii..well that was unfair.
7. I think the third class passengers left stranded on the Titanic after the well heeled got in lifeboats....well that was unfair. 46% of all the children died.
8. I think all the people cut down in the prime of life on Flight 93, Twin Towers, Oklahoma City Muir Building, and the Pentagon, when all they wanted was to live on September 11th well that was unfair!
I could go on but you get my point. Life is unfair and sometimes tragically so. Not accepting your late high school daily work that probably won't have any lasting effect of your grade isn't unfair. So princess, after you get done crying to mommy and daddy on your cell phone and after they tell you that they will take you to The Claim Jumper for dinner to pick up your spirits get over it. You don't have a clue about what is unfair.
Here's what I think is unfair:
1.I think people losing their homes over an economic collapse not of their doing is unfair.
2. I think an earthquake hitting the one country in North America that could least afford to get hit (Haiti) was unfair.
3. I think some people dying with the bird flu while many others only had mild flu symptoms is unfair.
4. I think all kids picked off by murderers and abused by parents, coaches or guardians...that's unfair.
5. I think all the hard working, honest, clean, kind, friendly, caring young people that can't afford to go to college, live in a nice place, or eat a good meal tonight while over privileged, self indulgent ego freaks like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Amy Winehouse waste money, talent and everybodies time... that's unfair.
6. I think the poor bastards buried under the soot and ash at Pompeii..well that was unfair.
7. I think the third class passengers left stranded on the Titanic after the well heeled got in lifeboats....well that was unfair. 46% of all the children died.
8. I think all the people cut down in the prime of life on Flight 93, Twin Towers, Oklahoma City Muir Building, and the Pentagon, when all they wanted was to live on September 11th well that was unfair!
I could go on but you get my point. Life is unfair and sometimes tragically so. Not accepting your late high school daily work that probably won't have any lasting effect of your grade isn't unfair. So princess, after you get done crying to mommy and daddy on your cell phone and after they tell you that they will take you to The Claim Jumper for dinner to pick up your spirits get over it. You don't have a clue about what is unfair.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
"Oil Change With that Disaster Mister"?
It's the size of Jamaica and growing. I am speaking of the oil slick moving towards Louisiana. That's what we are being told about the latest British Petroleum oil derrick explosion last week. The people of Louisiana must think they are sitting in the third ring of Hell because a lot of the natural disasters end up on their doorsteps. Hurricanes, oil sludges, poverty, an idiot for a Mayor, are just some of the more recent New Orleans nightmares. Also, ever notice that every TV show set in New Orleans is canceled before the characters can even order a second mint julep? How much must this State endure and why? Did Louisiana not allow the Gods a float in the Mardi Gras? Those poor bastards down there now will have lots of dead birds floating off shore not to mention all the oil. They will have so much oil on their shores that can change their name to the Abu Bayou, Emirates.
All kidding aside what is with the Bayou state? I guess Forrest Gump's observation "shit happens" does happen but he should have said, "shit happens...in Louisiana". This disaster is on par with Tiger Woods shooting a 9 OVER PAR and NOT MAKING the cut this weekend. My god, don't think there wasn't a lot of crying in Boca Raton about that this weekend. His not making the cut would be like Jack Kevorkian saying...."never give up, never surrender" or Charlie Sheen saying he's becoming a buddhist monk.
I'm probably using inappropriate humor here because the truth is the whole oil slick thing is a colossal disaster for the environment, but I don't know how else to process the surrealness of it. It's a nonstop parade of: exploding oil derricks, coal mine cave ins, earthquakes, mudslides, tornadoes picking on mobile home parks, volcanoes melting Iceland, on and on. Well when times are tough like this we have the wisdom of Sara Palin to fall back on. She says during adversity" put on a happy face"! Will I? You betcha!
All kidding aside what is with the Bayou state? I guess Forrest Gump's observation "shit happens" does happen but he should have said, "shit happens...in Louisiana". This disaster is on par with Tiger Woods shooting a 9 OVER PAR and NOT MAKING the cut this weekend. My god, don't think there wasn't a lot of crying in Boca Raton about that this weekend. His not making the cut would be like Jack Kevorkian saying...."never give up, never surrender" or Charlie Sheen saying he's becoming a buddhist monk.
I'm probably using inappropriate humor here because the truth is the whole oil slick thing is a colossal disaster for the environment, but I don't know how else to process the surrealness of it. It's a nonstop parade of: exploding oil derricks, coal mine cave ins, earthquakes, mudslides, tornadoes picking on mobile home parks, volcanoes melting Iceland, on and on. Well when times are tough like this we have the wisdom of Sara Palin to fall back on. She says during adversity" put on a happy face"! Will I? You betcha!
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