"Vampires"

'I' m off the politics this week because it's was announced in the newspaper ( therefore it must be true) that yet another vampire movie is set for a fall release. What is it with this Vampire obsession the last 2 years or so? Countless movie and tv shows. Some could argue escapism comes in various stripes and colors. Are vampires any worse than Von Diesel in any movie he does. Go watch one of his movies (or Jet Li or The Rock) and you'll come out of the theater convinced someone sucked every last gray cell out of your brain and robbed you of your money to boot. But, I think this vampire obsession goes deeper than just bad story lines and acting.

Vampires are the undead, mostly they attack women (hey where are the feminists now?). They rip their necks open, drink their blood, and leave them an undead corpse. I mean wasn't the real life Jack the Ripper in this league? Nobody thought what he was doing was cool. Then again he didn't look like David Copperfield. I mean what if he was young, handsome, wore eyeliner, was charming, mysterious and talked philosophy? That's what vampires do and yet women watch these movies and think that vampires kill romantically. BUT here is the hook....the gotcha....women fantasize that this GQ vampire will kill anyone BUT THEM. It's power and control over the bad boy that makes these women swoon over the vampire movies.(By the way, and it's a small point but most of these vampires are awfully well spoken and educated. Is there a college for vampires? )

So girls, what is the story? If your date romances you, seduces you and is good looking then you say what the hell have me; turn me into a ghoulish, blood sucking, souless hanger-on in your vampire entourage. Here are 2 points: women are starved for some romance in their lives and for a guy that will love them so much they will reform for them. What can be more powerful (Sookie) than knowing you are a woman that is so desireable, you can get a vampire to shut down his instinct to hurt you?

It's no secret (in real life) women go for the bad boys. You know the brooding, mystery man that is "misunderstood" and "complicated". (Christian Slater)! The same charmer that if he feels threatened by another guy, he goes ballistic and kills him. Not even Vampires in love are perfect. Women love to believe they can turn the bad boy into someone that will love them only and be nice to them only. It's like this: you can be a hell-raiser to everyone in the world but me, you will love me, be southern polite and charming to me, treat me like a lady (not like a woman drawn to pale skinned night crawlers) and above all change your bad ways for me, for me, for me. Of course he will but only for a while and then this creep begins to treat you like crap, just like he does everyone else and you end up disappointed. Whatever that what they we have therapists for. After a thousand tears and a thousand dollars of therapy you can be back out there on the trail looking for another bad boy to reform. Nice guys = boring, bad boys = exciting but only so far......when "Dimrod" the bad boy begins to cheat on you, beat you, ridicule you, ignore you, use you for sex, money, and a place to crash coming off of one of his alcoholic benders or running from the law, well he don't look so good now does he.

If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard a woman say, "I just want a nice guy, someone that will listen to me, talk things out, someone that wants a relationship, a guy that is committed to me etc." I guarantee you the next time I see them they are on the back of a Harley with a cigarette hanging out their mouth and a tattoo on their breast of their new bad boy boyfriend "Zipperhead".

Give it up girls, this vampire obsession is just the Hollywood (melodramatic) extension of your desire to be with with kid always in Saturday School in high school. The dude who is good in bed even if he has to go through a half bottle of scotch to get there and he is either an ex felon, or a future felon.

Vampires suck your blood out, draining you of your life. Real bad boys drain you of your patience, love, soul, and your bank account. In the movie with Arnold S. and Jaime Lee Curtis where he appears to be this nondescript day job Government employee, Jaime Lee finds him boring and dull. Then when she finds out he's a kick ass spy, complete with the ability to kill people and blow things up suddenly she is attracted to him. You can see her in the movie looking at him differently, like, oh, I didn't know I had a bad ass hubby I have to tame with my sex appeal and charm.

Years ago to test my theory I went on a date and when she said, "I like you" I paused and then said this to her, " Don't get involved with me, I'm complicated and have a hard time showing my feelings". She didn't say anything for about 10 seconds and then she scooted her cair up 2-3 inches closer to the table, leaned across the table, took my hand and said, " Maybe, you just needed to meet someone like me".

My advice to the guys is this......forget the chit chat, the solid reliable guy thing. Start smoking around your girl, swear more, get buffer, threaten to kick someone's ass and if it comes to that start blowing things up. Tell her she is the only one that can keep you in check. If that doesn't get her going threaten to bite her neck and suck every last drop out of her.