Whatever and Why

Recently a friend said this to me, “Will, you always say “yes” that something is okay with you, you never say no”. My ex-wife used to get upset with me when she would ask questions like: where do you want to go to eat, or which movie do you want to see? I would say, it doesn't matter to me, either one is okay, what would you like? She thought I was being wishy-washy, non-committal, non-opinionated, passive and it bugged her. Why wouldn't I care about whether we go to Denny’s or Coco’s, Midnight in Paris or Horrible Bosses have buttered or not buttered popcorn?

I’ll tell you why.

When I was 6 years old my older brother Dennis (age 7 ½) died of what I found out many years later was a completely stupid, random reason. I adored Dennis so much (even though I was young). Dennis was like that kid Allie in Catcher in the Rye. He was the perfect kid, good looking, smart, teachers loved him, my mom loved him and he was so helpful to my mom. I have several photos of him and me and in each I am looking up (literally) to him. He looked so confident and handsome. He was such a cool kid. Seeing him lying in his coffin, not knowing the reason why was heartbreaking for me.

Then when I was in 4th grade (age 9) my best friend Homer Murray Jones was killed. He was hit by an 18 wheeler on the Highway outside of my small Nebraska town. For reasons I and I think no one else never knew, he ran across the highway after a fishing trip to the creek. Oddly enough I was in my backyard when I heard the siren screaming by and I remember thinking “uh oh”. I went to his funeral (all his classmates did) and believe me when I tell you that at age 9 seeing my friend looking like a wax figure in a coffin just 3 days after I was walking home with him from school, laughing and telling dirty jokes we’d heard at school was scary and beyond my ability to understand it, I just couldn't understand why this happened, why him?  Years later a girlfriend said to me, "God loves you no matter what" and I told her, “yeah, but make a big enough mistake and you’ll get your ass kicked.” She never understood why I thought that way.

I fell in love when I was 22. I was working at Knotts Berry Farm as a tour guide. She was a 21 year old college student named Mary Elizabeth _______. I met her because she was on my last tour of the night on the last weekend in August. She was magical, the chemistry unmistakable. For the next 4 months I spent half my time at her apartment in Redondo Beach. She was smart, feisty, and edgy. She loved me and cared for me. She was a catholic and took me to my first Midnight Mass.

I was just drifting along in college with no clear cut purpose or direction but she challenged me to get with it and be serious and so I did. That semester I posted my best grades! I was so happy. Before midnight mass, we each took a piece of paper and wrote down what we wanted from the other for Christmas (we had no money for gifts). I wrote down, "I want you love me like I love you", and on her paper she wrote “I knew I was in love with this cowboy (my costume at Knotts) at the end of our first date and my wish is one day you'll feel that way about me".

We just sat there on her bed looking at each other in total silence, and then hugged each other for minutes. We didn't have to say anything else. A week later on New Year’s Eve, after I got off work at Knotts, I was to drive up to her apt in Redondo Beach and then go with her to her New Year’s Eve party at General Telephone which was located off Coast Highway. Wouldn't you know it, a very heavy fog rolled in about the time I got off work? My car was this cute little British racing green 61 VW bug and while I loved the car, driving it from Anaheim to Redondo Beach in a fog bank seemed too risky to me. I called her and told her I didn't think I should drive up. She begged me to drive up anyway, and while I wanted to I didn't. I said I would drive up the next day and go with her to her parent’s house in Torrance for early dinner. She finally said, okay, but get here early "cowboy" so we can spend some time together.

The next morning (about 7am) her sister called me to tell me Mary had been killed the night before in an auto accident. She decided to go to the New Year’s Eve party anyway. You have to make a left turn off Coast Highway into the General Telephone parking lot but it’s not an intersection nor did they have left turn arrows. You just wait for traffic to clear and go. When she made the turn a car came out of the fog and nailed her. I was stunned and heartbroken for a long time. I felt guilty for years. I thought I should have been with her. What if I had gone up there, maybe we wouldn't have even gone to the party, you know, that kind of thing.

I hung in there for a while before everything caught up to me. I crashed big time. It took everything I had to get through a day of work. I was sad every day and depressed. My few friends soon drifted away (I wasn't much fun). I was in serious therapy for 5 years. Therapy really helped me. I slowly pulled out of a 2 ½ year depression. I never forgot that how much help I got and kindness of others. I promised myself that I would always try to help others in need and I have kept my word on that.

Finally, in 1987 when Austin was 3 ½ and I was living in Ramona, Ca. I decided to set up a trust fund and get a 150K life insurance policy with New York Life. Trust me, if anything happened to me, the list of available people to care for him was short and unattractive, so I wanted money to be there for his care but also to have it protected so he could have it when he turned 21. Well, that was during the time of the AIDS scare if you remember, and people were really freaked out. Life insurance companies in particular. But, I was in good health, running 10-12 miles a week and didn't think anything of the insurance company wanting a physical and blood test. I passed the physical, no problem and my blood work was sent to a lab in Texas.

About 10 days later I came home one day to find this notice from the Ramona Post Office marked Urgent. They had a letter for me that only I could sign for. Fearing what it could be (divorce related I thought) I went to get it. Inside was a form letter informing me I had at what looked like a potential life threatening disease and I needed to see my doctor ASAP. There was this list of potential fatal illnesses listed that included exposure to radiation, hanta virus, asbestos poisoning etc. but the key one was HIV. I mean there’s my name on the letter, my address, my social security number and I knew I hadn't been exposed to radiation poisoning, asbestos etc. What else could it be?

I totally freaked, I knew I hadn’t been sleeping around but it only takes one time. My general doctor (God love old Ollie) freaked out on the phone and told me to go directly to this special clinic in Hillcrest…….Hillcrest. I went, they looked at my letter and I could see the “I’m sorry” look in their eyes. They took sample after sample and told me I would have to wait 2-3 weeks for a complete blood scan. For those 2-3 weeks I thought I was a dead man. I am not being dramatic; I thought I was a dead man. Not only that but I wouldn't have the insurance money for Austin. You find out real quick what is important to you and what isn't when you think you are going to die.

Those were interesting weeks to be sure. Know what I didn't think about? I didn't think about my job, my career, my car, my bank account, how cool or un-cool I was. I didn't care one bit about any of that. What I did think about was my faith &God, my son, and the people I loved and even the people I knew I owed an apology too. Finally, I went in and the doctor told me the results were clear I did not have AIDS and in fact was very healthy. All I had was a slightly elevated salt level. The doctor at the clinic was furious, because he knew some bullshit was going on. So he called my so-called agent G. Strassberger and raised hell with him. Strassberger promised to find out what happened and he did. Turns out my lab results had been erroneously mixed up with someone else with a nearly identical social security number. This other person got my results and I got theirs.

Look my point with all this is: I've seen a brother, childhood friend, girlfriend die, and thought for sure I was a dead man myself. Every day, I am so grateful to be alive, to have a wonderful son and the chance to raise him, to have had a great career, and good friends. Do you really think I CARE about which movie we go to or whether or not its Coco’s vs. Denny’s? Hell no! I’m not being disinterested, wishy-washy, or passive; I’m just happy to be with you.  So if you ask me, do you mind getting together at 2pm instead of 11am? No, that’s fine? Do you mind changing from Tuesday to Wednesday? No, I don’t. Will butter on the popcorn be okay….sure? I’m sorry I will be a few minutes late... you don't have to be sorry just drive safely.

Having said this let me assure you if you want to see me get an elevated blood pressure just get me going on the sorry state of education today. Get me going on the disrespect for teachers or the stupid state of our political system. Ask me how I feel about seeing my generation endangering the future our young people, the lack of respect for senior citizens, the attack on the unions that created the middle class in this country or let me see someone ridiculing another person. I do get pissed off; I do have opinions but not about little stuff.