"People I'm Glad I'm Not"

The conventional thought is "we can only be ourselves", and we can "only be a second best somebody else" blah, blah, blah. Have any of you ever wanted to be somebody else? You know I wish I were so and so? Maybe be Larry King with his suspenders and orange color hair, or Barack Obama taking hook shots on the White House basketball court. I don't know who I would want to be but here are 10 people I am glad I'm not.


1. Jack Lalanne: Yes, I know he is alive (sort of) at age 93 and he can still get into his zip up onesie but he also had a boring life of carrot juice, celery surprise, tofu, rice cakes and no desserts. Is it worth it to be 93, have sporadic hair and look like a raisin in a Vic Tanny jumpsuit all the while missing out of the fun in life?
2. Dick Cheney: What a grinch. I bet even 75% of his family members voted him the meanest man in America. His idea of a fun is watching videos of a waterboarding all the while sneering at the waitress that forgot his stir stick.
3.  Lindsay Lohan: Let's see, she's a 26 year old actress that lost her once cute "Parent Trap" perky innocent kid "thing". That was shot to hell in a purple haze of drugs, guys with a tattoos that look like a roadmap through Hell and more blood sucking vampires around her than the movie Twilight. If it's true that it's not the years it's the mileage, she's really 50 years old.
4. Glenn Beck: His ability to openly weep and scrawl with chalk at the same time is pretty amazing. Add to that his pontifications, his megalomaniacal belief that he's the savior of America and he's more like Jesus emceeing an Amway Convention.
5. James Bond: Forty years of mustachioed guys in his bathroom trying to disembowel him after he'd just slept with another bimbette with blue eyeshadow and a name that screams slut.  Do you know what it's like  to have to listen to that frigid Miss Moneypenny whine about not sleeping with him, and "Q" lecturing him like he's a schoolboy not cooperating with the priests?  He's does get to stay in nice hotel rooms but with all his broken bones, and scar tissue, that's more of a necessity than luxury.
6. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs: Now the comedy team of Jobs and Gates. Would you want it on your conscious that you invented the technology that sucked all the imagination and concentration out of today's teens? Knowing that you and your evil twin robot partner turned several generations of able bodied intelligent teens into lazy social networking zombies? I wouldn't!
7. Santa Claus  He's fat, frozen and only works one day a year. Either he is viewed as jolly or mean. I guessed it all depends on whether or not you got that Red Ryder BB Gun now doesn't it. He has stupid aka's  like Kris Kringle and he had to defend his sanity on 34th Street. How would you like to spend your whole time on this earth making other people happy, doing for others first, placing spoiled little rich kids needs ahead your own? Come to think of it that about sums up my teaching career (just kidding on that one). He doesn't want to be known as Santa. From now on he wants to be called by his real name: Leo!
8. Pamela Anderson: Seriously, does any man even know what the color of her eyes are? There are only two reasons why she a star and gravity will soon take care of that. She wants to be taken seriously but who takes Prostitute Barbie seriously? The only redeeming quality she possesses is that she doesn't give a crap if anyone calls her a slut, just don't call her a bad actress.
9. Pinocchio: Yeah sure now he's alive but he had sawdust for brains, arthritis in every joint and a foot long nose that no one liked except for a few certain women. Yes, he was a jackass to fall for that Candy Island bit and his getting swallowed by a whale was a Special Ed. move for sure but fortunately for him his geezer grandpa sold his own soul to Lucifer to get him back.
10. J.K. Rowling: It's not her fault that disaffected  teens hate their lives so much that they jump into her hack world of Harry Potter. She couldn't write an essay on real literature to save her life but fortunately she doesn't have to. As long as sketchy, spaced out dumbledore lovers out there suck up her goofy drivel she'll never have to write anything of merit!

That's my top ten list of people I'm glad I'm not and would never want to be. What's yours?