"5 Awful Sports Cliches"

Here are 5 awful sports clichés and why: 1. “We’re going to take them one at a time” AKA: Take em one at a time. Of course you are. What else would you do, play two or three teams at once? You have no choice but to play them one at a time. However, I once saw a woman’s softball team attempt to play em 2 at a time when they allowed the other 2 teams to put 18 players on the field at once. There were two pitchers throwing balls in alternate fashion. The end result was the 2 teams beat the team trying to play em 2 at a time 41-0. The team playing em 2 at a time had four players carted off the field from exhaustion and rumors were that catcher Carol Quigley was so distraught over the public humiliation she sought therapy for the next 3 years. The next time you hear a player or coach say we are going to take them one at a time, just think what I always think: that’s the most retarded thing I ever heard of. 2. “If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying" AKA: The Weasel's Mantra" The original concept of competition was the camaraderie, the esprit de ’corps, the honor of competition. Cheating is not funny, it’s not cute, and it’s not even cutesy folklore. It’s winning at all costs that includes your pride, dignity and honor. There are countless cases, a gazillion cases of cheating from over aged little leaguers to razor blades imbedded in hand wraps in football. It’s an athlete’s lowest moment. To illustrate: I once saw a senior Olympics event in which people were amazed to see Ike Cranfield, aged 77, clear 15 feet in the men’s pole vault. People were suspicious however because it’s a well-known fact that most men aged 77 can barely raise anything let alone a long heavy pole. It turned out Ike Cranfield was really Bobby Cranfield his grandson. It came about that when “Ike” hit the bar on his third and final attempt he shouted “fuck” and everyone knew that Ike had never even heard of that word. 3. “that’s why we play the game” AKA: Huh? Who really knows why anyone plays a particular game? Is there a crystal ball that reveals why a game is being played? Has Harry Houdini come back to reveal the long lost secret of “why they play the game”? I always thought games were played for one of these reasons: money, fame, pride, something to do, too much stored-up energy or my favorite “just for the hell of it”. If you are wondering why you are playing the game maybe it’s better to not play the game. Ya think? But to be fair: I once witnessed a wicked tidally-wink match between East Berlin, Pennsylvania’s Twig Light and his worthy competitor from Brooklyn, NY Guido Galella. After several heated games, the match stood at 2 tidally’s apiece. I turned to the man on my left and said what does the winner get? He said, “I don’t really know but it must be something”! I thought, hmmm, I guess that’s why we play the game”! 4. “It only takes one” AKA: Lightening in a bottle NO it doesn’t! When people say this they are referring to: one hit, one goal, one basket, one free throw, one tackle, one pommel horse routine, one dive, one strike out, heck even one pitch BUT that goal, pitch, hit etc. depends on all the other ones in a game. It’s tied 2-2 in the bottom of the ninth inning and the bases are loaded and the count is 3-2 on the hitter. One ball, one strike, one base hit makes a difference but only because you did many other things right to be in that position. It never only takes one. If that were the case we would have one pitcher, one batter and throw one pitch. Strike the pitcher’s team wins, ball and the batter’s team wins. Then it really would be "it only takes one". I did see a case of it only takes one, once. Curly Gleason of the Cucamonga Soccer All Star’s wouldn’t stop staring at Ricki Ricardo’s (his teammate) wife Ermine in the stands. He also winked at her when he thought Ricki was engaged kicking the ball or an opponent’s leg. For her part, Ermine was encouraging the attention but neither Ermine nor Curly realized Ricki had a 3 digit IQ and saw the winks and ogling. After the match, when others weren’t looking, Ricki punched Curly into next Tuesday. “It only takes one” 5. “Take one for the team” AKA: “I'm the low self-esteem guy” It’s a noble thought, sacrificing you for others and occasionally we see that in real life when Congressional Medal of Honor medallions are awarded, but in sports? Taking one for the team could mean, I didn’t want to take the last shot or I screwed up but I’ll say I did it on purpose. If you do it for martyr type reasons; it rarely turns out well for you. WHY? Because ninety-nine times out of a hundred the team doesn’t give a shit and there wasn’t any other person on that team that would have taken one for the team. You are a dumb ass. You are the dumb-ass teams like to keep around in case they need someone to reduce their self-worth for someone else’s self-worth. Let me illustrate: Walter Hunsaker had never played a down for his local football team the Hanover Hellcats. That was humiliation enough since Hanover only played with 10 men in an 11 man football league. Walter had logged many miles over the 9 game season, trekking up and down the sidelines carrying his unused helmet, mumblings things to himself. In the last game, the Hellcat starting tackle Gruntz Moran came up lame and while he could still play there was that playoff game against Sewage the following week to consider. It was the start of the 4th quarter and so the coach summoned Walter. At 175lbs Walter was in trouble. He was pummeled so hard in that last quarter he spent the next 3 months in the hospital. No one came to visit him except his runny-nosed sister Lulu. Meantime Gruntz returned to action and played well at Sewage. Walter had taken many more than one for the team and months later everyone on the team swore it was merely an oversight that he had been left out of the team photo.