" Predictions"

My good friend Mike is I think 96 and soon to be 97. Bob Hope lived to 100, and the legendary coach John Wooden was just a few weeks short of 100 when he died. Let’s face it in the future reaching 100 will be undoubtedly easier but for right now only a few like my friend Mike can even make a run at it. Therefore, I harbor no illusions about ever making it 100 years but it does make me think about what the world will be like in 2047. What will I most likely be missing? Here is my tongue in cheek musing at what I think will likely be the case in 2047.

1. The San Diego Padres will begin their 14th consecutive 5 year rebuilding plan. This time they are sure the minor leagues will finally pay off and what they really need is a new stadium. If the fans vote for a new 2 billion stadium, the Padres promise to get in another World Series before the century is out.
2. The Chicago Cubs will be well on their way to 200 years without being in a World Series. Their merchandise will sell more than ever because by that time 2/3 of the American will not only identify with the loveable losers, they will be one of them.
3. The NCAA Basketball Tournament will have expanded to 256 teams and take 5 weeks to play. In the end no team above an 8th seed will ever have been in a championship game but fans will love the expanded format so more of them can get on TV, wear stupid outfits, mug for the cameras and make their parents (in hiding) wonder why they didn’t consider abortion.
4. American Idol, now in its 47th season will want to appeal to an ever younger demographic so contestants cannot be above the age of 10. The earliest you can try out is age 2, and that is if you can get the little tyke to wear the spandex and bad haircuts. Nothing like seeing Carly, age 8, belt out Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” to wow em.
5. Reality TV will have finally given way to surrealism TV. Who cares about relatively normal people coming unglued under the direction of a producer or just the stress of being filmed 24/7. NO we want to see people certifiably insane 24/7. How about Stan the guy who licks spoons all day, or Clarissa the nutty lady that talks to her cereal and it talks back to her. The hostess will be Joan Rivers, herself 120 and doesn’t look a day over 75 what with her 33rd plastic surgery. In fact she will have gone full circle and begin to look like her daughter Melissa from 2012. Especially intriguing since Melissa looks exactly like her mother from 2012. Weird!
6. Gasoline will be 22.00 a gallon but good news is on the Horizon since car manufacturers assure the American public they are nearing a breakthrough on development of a car that does not need gasoline. This perplexing problem that has eluded the finest engineers in America for 137 years might soon be solved. Robots will do household chores, 3 D interactive TV will be the norm, all human organs will easily be replicated and installed; seriously, can a non-gasoline car be far behind?
7. All students in public schools will either earn an A or B in every class. Advanced Placement classes will begin in 2nd grade with the new A.P. Computer Applications class which Asian-American students will do especially well at. Every student that meets eligibility requirements (alive) and gets enrolled in College will get a degree unless they die or are incarcerated. If dead the degree will be awarded posthumously and if incarcerated you will be awarded your degree upon completing your laundry or license plate course. The highest degree in the land is the PPHD. No one (still) knows what the letters stand for but now there is an extra one and that must mean something.
8. The new and decidedly younger progressive Pope, Pope Bennie finally made a formal announcement that yes, the Catholic clergy did in fact have a problem containing their sexually repressed selves in the 1990’s and 2000’s and children were harmed. They cast the blame on the increasingly low cut tops women wore in those days and the men wearing skinny jeans during mass. It had a debilitating effect on their resolve to never think about sex. The Pope assures everyone that they all have renewed their vows to remain as un-normal as any human beings on the planet.
9. In politics all pretense has finally been done away with. Fox Channel finally registered as a new Political Party in America. They will be known as the New News Party. They promised fair and balanced governance and their first Presidential candidate was Reilly O’Reilly the son of the fair-minded journalist of the early 2000’s. Despite being declared the winner even before the polls opened, apparently the people did not agree and he was trounced by Malia Obama (Barack’s daughter). Her acceptance speech was beautifully read off the monitors.
10. Finally, the 40th James Bond movie will have come out. In this one Bond, defies his superiors in a tongue and cheek way, dares villains to out think him, kills with no remorse and will sleep with unattractive women put in the movie to further their careers. Fantastic gadgets, computer generated imaging, will be the real star of the picture. Smirking, wise-cracking Bond will sneer at death, and insist upon his Martini being shaken not stirred. This 40th picture promises to have lots of surprises.

I probably won’t be around to see these certainties from coming true but you probably will. In honor of all the Bond pictures, I have it in my will that my ashes be shaken not stirred.