"Oh What a Night"

The first picture is of my lovely residential street (81^st between 1^st and 2^nd avenues) on the upper east side of Manhattan. The second picture is of my red brick apartment building. 

One nice thing about living on a more residential (city) street is that the people get to know each other, become urban friends in a way.  Recently I attended the East 81^st Street Faire and Talent Competition held right outside my building. I ate foods I can't pronounce, will still be digesting in November and that came in suspect containers, but I also got to witness this year’s talent competition. 

There were seven exciting acts but here are my 3 favorites. 

First (and winner of the 6 month supply of large trash bags) was Grantland Toogood, an older British fella living in my building in apartment 5a. Grantand’s specialty was using a small piece of wax paper and a comb to create a kazoo-like sound (some would say a wounded quail sound, but let’s not quibble). He did a splendid rendition of John Philip Sousa’s stirring march. It was so rousing that even Eugene Tweezer stopped eating long enough to stand. I wished he hadn't since his pot belly (now more like a full size Franklin stove) nearly upset the table when he rose.

Only the quick hands of Twila Mayo grabbing the kosher pickle jar prevented disaster. Grantland breezed through Brahms’s Concerto for Kazoo and finished with my favorite of the three, The Beatles “Blackbird”. Well done Grantland. Later he complained of sore lips but a few people whispered that it wasn't his playing but more likely Mrs. Hershel's none organic potato salad which he had been advised to stay away from and didn't.

Another “can't miss” was Anna Constantinople’s sock puppet act. She pretended to be talking to a character she calls Bartleby but which I think is a rip off of the old Ed Sullivan’s Senor Wences act: Topo Gigio. Whatever! Anna’s ventriloquism skills aren't bad although seeing her Adam’s apple move when she was speaking for Bartleby was disconcerting on many levels. She won the Street Faire Committee’s prize for most “Unlike Non Reality” and with that a 40.00 gift certificate to the local Rainbow Hardware.

But the one I am most eager to report on was the grand champions. Two twin boys that tap danced.  Guido and Bill were about the age of six but as we all know, it’s harder to tell ages when they are cross-eyed twins. They stood on a folding table, held capably by their father Altoona. Their first number was a crowd pleasing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” adroitly followed by the mood changing number “New York, New York”. The only thing is that right in middle of their tapping the line "I did it my way", Beulah Fillit two tables down began to cry uncontrollably.  I was thinking, Beulah, they aren't that bad.  But,turns out I was wrong, the elderly Beulah Fillit had never heard that Ol Blue Eyes himself, the Chairman of the Board, had died. 

Braho, my building’s super gave poor Beulah the down lo on Blue Eyes and at the same time scolded her on her loosened trash bag tops. OUCH!

The twins finished with something that is hard to believe. They began to tap dance to Ravel’s “Bolero”. If you don’t know “Bolero” starts out very, very slowly for several minutes and seeing them tapping in slow motion (remember each boy is looking at the other boys feet) left all of us with our mouths agape in disbelief.  They were so excited to win the DVD of the movie “Titanic”.  Later, we quietly took up a collection to help them buy a DVD player. I saw things that night that will stay with me forever.

I bet I know what you are thinking right about now: "I wish I lived in New York City"!!

"Stroller Nazi's"

 I have some observations about the baby strollers in New York City and the people that push them around.

 First, there are many models to choose from. Some parents and Nanny’s prefer the kind my friend Tammy has in California. I call it the Side-by-Side Rickshaw 3 Wheeler Model. What I like about Tammy’s stroller is one: the fact that she needs a two-seater because she has twins. Unlike some of the parents in New York that use the two-seater because it’s bigger and way-cooler even though its totally unnecessary, you know like owning a big SUV.  Two: Tammy’s is functional not ostentatious. New York parents have to push their 3 wheel rickshaws with doo-dads and rich Corinthian leather.

Other models in New York include the Double-Decker London Bus Model. This version has one seat on top of the other. It’s the bunk-beds of strolling. The one on top gets the panorama view the one on bottom gets a view of the one on top.  Then there is the Triple Wide Model where you can put the triplets or if you only have one child or even twins they can invite other infant friends along for a stroll through the carbon monoxide, construction noise, panhandler, screaming siren, congested streets of NY. The good news is if they get back home without wailing or that thousand yard stare on their face you know they are city survivors and likely to stroll their kids in like manner in the future.

My personal favorite is the Double Decker X 2 London Bus Model. Here you have two on top and two on the bottom. These are especially built for parents that doubled down on the fertility drugs (just to be sure) or the wannabe “Octomoms”. These strollers are the equivalent of the Winnebago. The kids in these strollers are almost always quiet which I attribute to one of two reasons one: traveling in a four-pack gives them the confidence to know that few on the road will give them and their sibling posse any crap or two: they are already so embarrassed to be seen in the Winnebago that keeping quiet increases their chances of drawing less attention.

My last point is about the New York City Stroller Nazi’s. These are the parents or hired nannies that feel entitled to push their kids’ right down the center of the sidewalk. More often than not you’ll see two stroller Nazi’s teamed up side by side to prevent any/all traffic from getting through. I've often seen 3 go side by side by side. They go slow enough to keep their kids safe (we all fear seeing an out of control speeding stroller) but not fast enough to prevent the sidewalk from clogging up like a 65 year old hillbillies arteries. They know you are behind them but with their noses in the air they pretend they don’t see you.  What they are really saying is, "I’m special and therefore my child is special so FU".  It’s their walk that infuriates me, the “I clawed my way up the Darwinian Manhattan ladder and now I am entitled to do whatever I want with my baby, my stroller”. “ I had a baby in New York damn-it”!!

"Want a Quickie"?

I like to do quick takes every so often on current events. Things that interest me or bug me but don't want to devote an entire piece to.

Here are 4 quickies What is your opinion? Am I wrong?

 #1: “I Have a Dream Speech”

2013 is the 50^th anniversary of the famous August 1963 Martin Luther King speech delivered at the Lincoln Memorial in DC. I had just finished 10^th grade and my family had gone back to Lincoln, Nebraska to visit my Aunt Donna and Uncle Jerry. I watched King's speech on my aunt and uncle’s black and white TV in their basement. I didn't know it would be a famous speech but I knew his “I have a dream” line would be famous (when he said it) just like I knew Kennedy’s “ask not what your country can do for you” line would be.  You could tell King spoke from his heart. Unlike those two opportunistic vultures today: Reverend Al Sharpton and Reverend Jesse Jackson who make their considerable living off the misery of african Americans. Blowing into town with their "It's an outrage...." photo op speech and then when they've sucked all the attention out of the situation they can, slip town quietly.  Martin Luther King (by comparison) show Sharpton and Jackson to be nothing but huckstering carpetbaggers. Am I wrong?

#2: Middle East Democracy

So now Egypt is in turmoil again. Mayhem rules there, just like it did a year and a half ago when they threw out Mubarek. Syria is another sinkhole of madness. Would you really be surprised if you read that another Middle Eastern country was starting to implode? The United States should stop trying to turn the Middle East into “America East”. They don't want to be like us, they just want our cool stuff.  They have centuries of doing things the way they want. Look, they want our jeans, cell phone, computer technology and Vin Diesel DVD’s. In exchange we want their oil and are willing to gouge American drivers to pay for it. DONE! 

Oh, we also don't want them to create nuclear weapons. That would be akin to letting your 14 year old move the gun collection from the house to the garage. We are at least smart enough not to do that.

Am I wrong?

#3: More money for education

The NY Times recently reported that per pupil spending in this country is at an all-time high. Really? As long as this profession is clogged with layers upon layers of redundent bureaucratic bull shit,  it will be the mule stuck in the mud. No Child Left Behind and standards testing was going to save education. Well it didn't and now we have a new fix all: Common Core. You want COMMON CORE; I’ll give you “the common core”: As long the fantasy persists that every kid will graduate from college, reality will be the shrouded lone figure sitting at the back of the antiquated cheese wagon. You can give education all the money you want but unless educational “leaders” begin to use some common sense, American education is doomed to continue to be the 21^st Century version of the 8 track player. Am I wrong?

Outtake #4: Instant Replay in Baseball

Oh boy, the headlines are blazing with the big news. Major League Baseball will go to a full instant replay plan for the 2014 season. They've joined their sports brethren the NBA and NFL with officials and referees huddled around a TV monitor wanting to “get it right”. Who the hell cares? Christ it’s just a game. Oh yeah I forgot it’s the fantasy players and the gamblers that care very much about “getting it right”. To them it’s life and death. They want every last frame scrutinized but soon that won't be enough, we'll have to have the “blow up frame” so we can get what’s right a little righter. Upon further review the call on the field stands: people will fucking cave in to money every time. Am I wrong?

"Trip Summary: The Big Picture"

I am back in New York City. I was gone 7 weeks house sitting in San Diego.  The  most often asked question of me was: Do you like New York City? The second most asked question was are you staying in New York ?

Answering the first question is not as simple as a yes or no. Do I like New York when I run into rude people? NO Do I like New York on a sunny, low humidity day sitting outside at Starbucks? YES Do I like walking so much? Well, YEAH. Do I like walking every single day? No! I could go on and on but you get the point.

New York City is in some respects is like your city in that there are things you like and things you don’t. The main thing is that NYC is different for me, challenging, quirky and unpredictable.  That I am able to be around my son and his Rebecca is something I like very much. So the better question is: Is New York City likeable and doable for you now? That answer is yes

I’m staying in New York as long as I stay in New York. I don’t have a time table. Life changes so quickly that I have no idea what my life experience will be like in 3 months let alone 9-10 months. In July of 2012, I was worried about a potential a serious health issue and I was wondering if I would ever get to New York. A year later, in July of 2013, I’m driving a truck around San Diego, playing pool in a nice house in San Marcos, and doing a scavenger hunt at the ZOO. Go figure! All I know is that this is where I am today.

I do like San Diego and I came to appreciate (even more) those friends that also care about me. For some of the people I knew there; when I left a year ago they dropped me off their grid. Not there? Fill in the space with someone else.

BUT other friends in San Diego were happy to see me this summer. For them, distance had not diminished the knowing of each other. One of the worst things that can happen is complacency. Just assuming you will see the other person again soon and often. Now when I see my friends in San Diego, I know it might be the last time I see them, so I want each minute to count, to enjoy my time with them. In most cases ( while there) that is what happened. They aren't mutually exclusive you know. I like being in New York for now and yet I also care more about my friends in San Diego than ever.

"Upon Further Review"

I haven't written a blog for at least five weeks? Why? Was I too busy on my trip to California? Not really.

I experienced an existential crisis about my blog shortly after I arrived on this trip. I found out 3 people I thought for sure were reading my posts weren't reading them at all. Plus, I asked my son (who is himself an excellent writer) for his honest assessment of my writing. He kindly obliged and what he said shook me up. He said I wasn't doing Blog writing at all. Mine were formatted incorrectly and too long. Readers (he said) just don't want to have to slog through posts that are too wordy. He was right of course. My friend Bronwyn also pointed out some time back that my format was off. She was right too.

I was thinking how can I write shorter pieces without just doing a Reader’s Digest version of my ideas? I felt like Leonardo Di Caprio’s character Jack Dawson in the movie Titanic when he is alone at the bow of the ship with his arms out stretched screaming into the wind, “I'm the King of the World”. What a romantic moment right? Wrong! He’s shouting into the wind, no one hears him. He might as well mime it. He’s not the king of the world; he’s a poor immigrant 2 days away from being an ice cube bobbing in the water.

That was me, standing there at the bow of the ship with my arms outstretched shouting into the wind “I'm  a good blogger"! Uh huh, sure!

It was my serious intention to pull the plug on The Bailey Post. I didn't write or even think about The Bailey Post for 5 weeks. However, then something just as unforeseen happened. 4 people I was sure weren't reading my posts all said to me at different times, “hey, keep sending me your blogs, I really like reading them”. Hello Earth! Earth calling Will, come in please!

That changed my thoughts about the whole thing.  I've decided I'm going to try to keep The Bailey Post going. I will try to write shorter, blog-style pieces. I honestly don't know if I can. I've never written like that before.

I may still be shouting into the wind but at least I’m feeling more confident now that I won’t be bobbing in the water 2 days from now.