"Hey Everybody the Circus is in Town"

I have written (some) before about subway travel in New York. New Yorkers refer to the subway simply as “the train”. Well, any train ride could end up problematic, that’s for sure because it’s a random draw of a lot of different types of people all put in the same confined space. You end up riding with strangers for an indeterminate length of time. Most of the time things go okay. A truly weird person is (on the train) surrounded by people that aren't nearly as weird and so even they can hold their weirdness in check until they get off the train which they normally do. The unwritten (but crystal clear) message is, you don’t stare at anyone, you don't make eye contact unless you have to, and you don’t call attention to yourself. The idea is to ride in anonymity and silence. Most people observe the rules. Last Wednesday was my day of bad luck. My random draw of people came up snake eyes for me and for the next 30 minutes I rode the circus freak train from Hell.

I take the 4 train from 86^th street going about 3 miles due North up to the West Bronx and I get off at Kingsbridge Road. This day when I got on at 86, I could tell from a quick glance around and the overall vibe that I was in trouble. I had to sit next to a really old man, I mean really old. He gave me a half-glare/stare when I sat down.  I think he was worried that I would sit on the tip of his overcoat. I eased down carefully and missed his precious raggedy old coat. The lady across from me was staring opened eyed at the ceiling and not moving. At the next stop a 14-15 year old boy came on with his BMX bike and soon started talking to a friend on his cell. Every third word was fuck or shit. The old guy, next to me, was starting to unravel; he kept muttering “shut the fuck up”. I didn't dare explain to him the meaning of the word irony. While this was going on, I noticed that the woman across from me and down 2 seats was holding her bran muffin. I’ve seen her before on this run. She gets on at 86 and rides up to Bedford Park Blvd (next to last stop) which is also the stop after mine; but what she does is she takes one bite out of her muffin when the train starts moving and chews one and only bite until the next stop. If the stop is 3 blocks away or 10 doesn’t matter. She chews until the next stop. When that stop is over and the train begins to move again she takes one more bite out of the muffin and chews it til the next stop and so on. She takes her last bite at Kingsbridge Road, but doesn't wad or fold up the napkin it came in. Oh no, she wouldn't do that! At the next stop she gets off, wads up her napkin and throws it away. How do I know this?I decided one day to see this muffin saga to the end so I stayed on and then got off at Bedford Park with her. It was worth it to me (having to backtrack) just to see her ritual played out.  She eats a 12 stop, 30 minute muffin.

A little kid down at the far end of the car started howling every 2-3 minutes. At each howl the old man next to me got so frustrated and pissed off at the noise that he dropped his cane. Then had to try and reach over and get it which wasn't easy for him. My good angel said help the poor bastard, my other angel said let the misanthropic old fart get his own cane. He muttered “shut the fuck up” over and over. Just then the teen cuts loose with another barrage of swear words and the old man started to get up. Fortunately he stopped himself before east met west if you know what I mean. I looked to my left to see why in the wide, wide, world of sports this kid kept howling. Of course, sitting opposite him was a weird looking woman making faces at him.  She was opening her mouth as far as she could and twisting her head to one side, and then the other. What kind of a  gargoyle freak show is this, I wondered?  No wonder the kid was yelping in dismay. The Buddha sitting to my immediate left was huge; I mean small craft advisory huge. He didn't move a muscle and stared straight ahead. Ommmm! Lastly, there was a nun across from me and three seats down. All during this 30 minute ride she was working her rosary beads and praying silently. I wanted to go down there and ask if I could share the beads. Usually, at a lot of stops, people get off and others get on so the dynamic changes but not today. Oh no not today; I had to do the full Monty.

I kept counting the stops, praying: "please, please Dear Lord stop this train at Kingsbridge Road". Mercifully, it did and I got out the train door as fast as I could and ran down the station platform to the train exit. You are thinking, c'mon Will, you made this up. Au contraire mes amis, Will did not make this up. 

I did think of getting a bran muffin for the next trip up just to see what would happen if she saw me taking one bite out of my muffin at each stop.....!!