"What's Wrong with Will"

The one thing that has vexed me most of my adult life is my inability to have a long-term relationship with a woman. Lord knows I have tried, and things have just not worked out.  But I keep trying and I recognize that I am mostly at fault one way or another. So I started seeing the same Shrink that Woody Allen goes to. I mean if the guy works for him, he could help me,, right?  Fortunately, after seven or so sessions we have finally gotten to the bottom of “my problem”.  Well, sort of. That is the good news. The bad news is that it appears I have zero chance of a LTR with a quality woman. The numbers don't lie. He asked me what kind of woman I would want to be with and what kind of woman I would not want to be with. Here is what I told him and why he threw up his hands, and his clipboard in despair:  

 I told him I want to be with:

A)     An intelligent woman: She doesn’t have to be a Rhoads Scholar and in fact if she’s too smart she would scare the hell out of me. I don’t want to be with someone that makes me feel like I'm Forrest Gump. On the other hand, I want to be able to converse with her.  Let’s put it this way, if I ask her what she thinks about Putin and her response is “yeah, I’ll be putin the butter on the table soon”, It’s a no go. Eliminating dumb women eliminates 10% of the available pool.

B)      A woman with a sense of humor: Look life is tough enough. I know we have good days but some days are like being kicked in the shins by a five year old, repeatedly. You have to be able to laugh and while I don’t expect a 5 minute stand up routine every night I do think having the ability to laugh is a big thing. I've been around the grim faced graymalkin types. I used to sit in the English Department meetings at Poway High School with the humorless, grim, no nonsense people. Any time I would make a joke to lighten things up they looked at me like I had just put a turd in the punch bowl. Getting rid of all the humorless women eliminates another 10%.

C)      Decent looking woman: I mean I know where I am on the Darwinian attractiveness scale. I’m not Cary Grant but I am also not the elephant man. I don’t want a woman that is too good looking. I’d be always looking over my shoulder at who she was looking to trade up to. She doesn’t have to be a babe, just not “Calamity Jane” ugly. I already have a problem with grinding my teeth and clenching my jaws. Eliminating the truly homely cuts about 20% out of the pool.

D)     A can do woman:  I want to be with a woman, not a princess. A woman that knows how to take care of herself and be responsible. No emotional train wrecks like Blanch Du Bois, from Streetcar Named Desire. No demented women, no non-medicated people, no Gloria Swanson’s in Sunset Blvd. She may be ready for her close up, but it won’t be a close up with me. This easily eliminates another 15% of the available pool and some would suggest as high as 50%.

E)      A classy woman: She doesn’t have to be glamorous, but a little style would be nice. None of those tatted up, cigar smoking, belly button ring, bar room brawling, arm wrestling, mullet-headed, Birkenstock wearing, androgynous, hooligan, lumber Jill types for me. I have no desire to be a drug taking, boozy, belching bum and I don’t want her to be either. This eliminates maybe another 7% at least.

F)      A non-blood sucker:  Well, she can’t be a blood-sucking leech; I don’t have enough blood for that. I get it, if men look at women as sex objects; women look at men as success objects. They want money and the potential for more money. Some older women are looking for a guy to keep them in the style that they had until their previous husband was  planted 6 ft under from the pressure to keep them in that style. This blood sucker is hoping that she might do even better this time. Forget it; I’m a retired middle class school teacher not a robber baron. If you want a good guy, who will love you, respect you and you can have fun with…..that’s me; but if you want money that’s the schmuck wearing the toupee and the sansabelt slacks.  This eliminates at least 15%.

G)     A woman who likes kids: I can’t take one more woman that tells me she loves her kids but doesn’t really like doing things with them. Or says she loves her kids but she’s not letting them ruin her life now, she did her job and now they are on their own. The minute I tell them I am close with my kids, and love my kids and see them as a blessing these women look at me like I just explained to them the dynamics of thermal fusion. I’m sorry they see kids as a drain on their lives or don’t get along with them but I want a woman that likes her kids. This also shrinks the pool of available women for me by at least 10%.

H)      Has desire and courage: The right woman for me has to think being with someone they love and respect is better than being alone but that takes courage. A lot of courage. At my age I don’t know many people that haven’t gotten the emotional shit kicked out of them at least once. Some women prefer being alone, they feel safer and after a lifetime with you know who, they’ve had enough. I get that. Some women want a relationship but when it comes down to taking a chance for happiness the risk is too great. They run for cover like church mice when the tabby is let loose. If I am afraid to even bring up the subject of a relationship, duh how's that going to work?  This gets rid of another 12%

 My therapist calculates 99% of the available women in the single pool won’t work for me. That leaves 1% though…..I once sat on a needle and it was in a haystack. The farmer’s daughter, Ingrid, took it out (slowly) for me and then she told me that, that would never happen again. So far it hasn't.  Reasonable may be just too unreasonable! So even though I don’t want it I could be headed for the cloistered (monk) life. If you ever see me with the bowl over my head haircut; if I start wearing loose fitting brown robes, sandals, carrying a cross in one hand and a goblet of wine in the other, you'll  know I've  gone to the dark side.

I still think a good relationship could happen for me; I was just hoping it would happen while I am still able to recognize its happening. I've been on the 18^th mile of the marathon for 30 years. Oy!  I guess if it comes to that, I’ll get a tattoo, a mullet, and let go of my intelligence expectations. I'll learn to tolerate Honey Boo Boo, eat Paula Dean fried chocolate, listen to Dr. Phil and Judge Judy, and be the one Putin the butter on the table.

God, I hope not.

GOD......."I hope not"!