"Let My Redskins G0"

The Political Correctness Police are at it again. Political Correctness began in the 1990’s and I thought it was a bad idea at the time and have really come to see it as awful. An off shoot of PC is that we now live in a world where anyone can be offended by anything anyone says at any time. The ridiculousness of the situation is found in the current brouhaha about the professional football team the Washington Redskins.

The Redskins have been a team in the National Football League since 1937. They have always been the Redskins. They have a cool logo and some say the best uniforms in the league. But hold your painted horses. The nickname refers to American Indians and there is a strong move to force the team to change their name. The push is coming from do good PCP  white folk than it is the Indians themselves. (Side bar:  why no such complaint about the Kansas City Chiefs, Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians though?) The owner of the Redskins Daniel Snyder says the name stays. He doesn’t intend to change it.
We know from past experience the morally upright citizen brigade will not stop hassling him until he is forced to cave.  He’ll do it as much as anything to stop having the migraines this misguided bunch of smug puritans give him.

 Since the team is based in Washington DC what could they be renamed? If you choose a name that embodies the nation’s capital you’d go with: weasels, snakes, lobbyists or grifters. But  that would be the one thing these dysfunctional congressmen would unite over. They would demand a name change too. So, maybe go with The Washington Statues.  But if Snyder has to drop the nickname Redskins  you know other teams will surly feel the prickly rash that is the PCP. In an effort to get ahead of the PCP, I have selected six of the teams likely to be targeted as PC offenders and have come up with suitable alternate nicknames. Here they are.

1.        The New Orleans Saints will have to change their name. I am surprised the Vatican has not raised holy hell about a football team being called the Saints. The very idea of large men grappling with one another, piling onto each other, slapping fannies, sharing showers, rooming together and becoming “tight knit units” must make all Catholic priests queasy.  Then again maybe not! They should be given a name that offends no one but carries the spirit of Louisiana. Let’s rename them:

The New Orleans Gumbo.

2.       How have the New York Giants been allowed to exist? I mean using terms like midgets, dwarves and munchkins has long been declared a PC no no. I mean would a howl go up if they were called the New York Dwarfs ? Oh yeah!!  Well, Gigantic-ism is a recognized medical condition and huge people don’t want to be called giants so that name has to go. What can replace it?  At first I thought “Cabbies” but I realized that the handful of cabbies in NY that do speak English would quickly hear about it and soon thereafter anyone wearing a NY football cap would possibly get run over. So instead let’s go with this: The New York Uber Liberals. That accounts for most of the people living there anyway.

3.       Baltimore Ravensis a NO go. This name is a sacrilege. Number one it’s disparaging the raven (crow). But more importantly it’s a slap at the great American writer Edgar Allen Poe. He was living in Baltimore when he wrote his famous poem “The Raven” and he was paid only 12 dollars for it. He was ripped off then and now his beloved Raven is nothing more than a decal on a football helmet for God’s Sake. Disrespected in life, humiliated in death. “Quoth the Raven, nevermore” Let’s do the right thing and rename the team the Baltimore Crab Cakes.

4.       The only reason Cleveland still calls its team the “Browns” is because Hispanics don’t watch football. If they did they would have been all over this like salsa on chips. “Browns”? “Browns”? My God, how has this insult managed to get by the PCP? When Hispanics finally are enfranchised this name will be adios amigos en via con Dios. But what name should they get? Hmmmm How about something in keeping with Cleveland like Bores or Losers? No, that strikes too close to home and will offend too many. here is a safe Cleveland name: The Cleveland Hope. Why? Because the only famous person to ever come from Cleveland was Bob Hope.

5.       Another egregious offender is the Dallas Cowboys. First of all they are football players not cowboys and in fact these footballers wouldn’t know a bull from a cow. (For that matter I don’t either). And why slam cowboys. Weren’t they the noble heroes from the old west? Didn’t they fight redskins (oops sorry) and tame wild, dark, mysterious, nether regions like the Brokeback Mountains?  Dallas needs a name in keeping with the heritage that is Dallas like: Drinkers, Gunslingers, Gamblers, or Southfork. But no, too many Dallasites would read themselves into those names and it would be “shoot out at high noon” time. We’ll have to settle for this tamer version:
       The Dallas Hooters (you know hoot and holler)

6.      Lastly, the stupidest name in the NFL (NO not the Green Bay Packers, which by all rights is weird enough. I mean packers? Does that refer to movers, meat –packing or prison? I am referring to the Houston Texans. It’s not PC offensive but what kind of idiot name is that? It’s like saying the Salt Lake City, Utah's, Las Vegas, Nevadians. or the St. Louis Kansians.  It’s goofy. Since Texas executes more people each year than all the other states combined (except sparky friendly Florida) let’s call them:   The Houston Needles
       BP