"Upper East Side Irregulars"

New York City is home to quite a collection of odd characters. I am on the streets virtually every day and I have seen plenty. These are three (3) people (that I have come across) that are hard to believe. Here, then are three upper east sides “irregulars”.

“BRAHO”

Braho is my building’s super. He is either Russian, Albanian or extra-terrestrial. He’s about 50+ years old but it’s hard to tell. Is that road- wear on his craggy face, a life-time of IBS, or was he a roadie in a Russian band in his youth? His job is to make sure things run smoothly in the building but the owner has mechanics that account for breakdowns so Braho’s main job is to come to the building in the morning, take the trash out of the outside receptacles bundle it up, put it on the curb and then hose down the sidewalk. Then he goes and gets coffee with the super(s) in the next two buildings that are also Russian, Albanians or came they on the mother ship with him. I can’t understand his halting English but I am sure he is yelling at me most of the time. I told him a joke one day and he just stared at me when I had finished and so I started talking about the building as if I’d always been talking about the building. He got into a one-way shouting match with a tenant that kept putting his bagged trash outside his door first before taking it out to the bins. 

Braho told him: “whatsa madder vit U? U kent liv yer begs outdsede yer door.  Dun’t do it. Dun’t do it. U mest alvays take to bins, right avay. Dis, leafing yer bags outside yer door must be a no. Dun’t take trash out of yer partment unless you take to bins. Please”! 

I rushed to my apartment and closed the door. I kept peeking out hoping the coast was clear. Finally I crept out.  Since my trash wasn't full, I filled a bag with wadded up newspapers just in case he was out there. That way he’d see that “der vas nutin da madder vit me”.  

“THE SPITTING WOMAN”

No one knows anything about her except she spits on anyone and anything close enough to be spat upon. I first encountered her when I was sitting in a small park across the street from Starbucks. I heard this woman yak up a wad and spit.  I turned to my right to see this old woman spitting on empty seats in the park. Not inconspicuous spits but the kind that the kid worked up in High School which made you vaguely uneasy. I thought, OK  she wants to spit on an empty chair, maybe an ex spit-mate used to sit there. BUT NO, she proceeds to spit on the next chair and the next. I realize she is working her way over to me so I asked the woman next to me is “she going to keep spitting her way over here till she spits on us”? She said yes, that’s the spitting woman and she got and left. I waited till the spitting woman was about 7 chairs from me before leaving. I've been accused of being a “dare-devil”.

Another time I saw her in the subway spitting on the walls, columns, ticket booths and turnstiles. One time I saw her spitting on windows along 1^st Avenue until some guy came out waving a wooden spoon and chased her away from his store. I thought he was short sighted, I would have thought a roll of paper towels and some effort and he could have had clean windows, after all she supplied the cleaner. I have a recurring nightmare. In it I am the next to last person that gets shoe-horned into a crowded subway car, with barely any room to move around at all. And just before I hear the “stand clear of the closing doors please” one more person squeezes in: “the spitting woman”.

“THE RELIGIOUS APPEAL-ER”

I go to St. Monica’s almost every day for a few minutes to give thanks for many things and remember others. One day I noticed “the” guy. Older than me and standing off to my right next to the side wall of the Cathedral. Was he praying? NO!  Was he lighting a candle? NO! Was he just standing quietly, meditating? NO! He was standing in front of a marble statue of the Madonna. This statue is white and about 5 feet tall. He was talking (albeit in a very low voice) and gesturing to the statue. He appeared to be appealing or arguing a case. He wildly gestured, made a point, laughed, threw his hand up in the air, and then went back to pointing at the statue, pounding his fists. Try to imagine an upset person trying to win an argument or an attorney doing a closing argument. When I arrive there in the morning he's almost always already there appealing his case and he is still appealing his case when I leave. The next day he is back appealing his case again. He bothers no one (really) but I have to tell you it is a little disconcerting to see someone working so hard at communicating with a statue. 

One day after saying my own prayers, I picked up my things and since the “ Appeal-er” was not there yet I sidled over next to the statue of Madonna and said under my breath “Say Maddy, this guy’s really serious. He really means it whatever it is. If it’s all the same to you could you possible give him a “2 thumbs up”? That would be great.  I don’t mean to stick my nose in, I’m just saying, he looks like he could really use a win on this one”. Now there's faith for you.

Just 3 of the Upper East Side Irregulars